But there is a big difference between fantasizing about infidelity and actually following through. The strongest risk factor for infidelity, researchers have found, exists not inside the marriage but outside: opportunity.
For years, men have typically had the most opportunities to cheat thanks to long hours at the office, business travel and control over family finances. But today, both men and women spend late hours at the office and travel on business. And even for women who stay home, cellphones, e-mail and instant messaging appear to be allowing them to form more intimate relationships outside of their marriages. As a result, your best chance at fidelity is to limit opportunities that might allow you to stray.
Committed men and women avoid situations that could lead to bad decisions -- like hotel bars and late nights with colleagues. Plan Ahead for Temptation. Men and women can develop coping strategies to stay faithful to a partner. A series of unusual studies led by John Lydon, a psychologist at McGill University in Montreal, looked at how people in a committed relationship react in the face of temptation. In one study, highly committed married men and women were asked to rate the attractiveness of people of the opposite sex in a series of photos.
Not surprisingly, they gave the highest ratings to people who would typically be viewed as attractive. Later, they were shown similar pictures and told that the person was interested in meeting them. In that situation, participants consistently gave those pictures lower scores than they had the first time around. Other McGill studies confirmed differences in how men and women react to such threats.
In one, attractive actors or actresses were brought in to flirt with study participants in a waiting room. Men who had just been flirting were less forgiving of the hypothetical bad behavior, suggesting that the attractive actress had momentarily chipped away at their commitment.
But women who had been flirting were more likely to be forgiving and to make excuses for the man, suggesting that their earlier flirting had triggered a protective response when discussing their relationship. Lydon said.
The study also looked at whether a person can be trained to resist temptation. The team prompted male students who were in committed dating relationships to imagine running into an attractive woman on a weekend when their girlfriends were away. Because the researchers ethically could not bring in a real woman to act as a temptation, they created a virtual-reality game in which two out of four rooms included subliminal images of an attractive woman.
Most of the men who had practiced resisting temptation stayed away from the rooms with attractive women; but among men who had not practiced resistance, two out of three gravitated toward the temptation room. But if you worry you might be vulnerable to temptation on a business trip, practice resistance by reminding yourself the steps you will take to avoid temptation and protect your relationship.
Picture Your Beloved. We all know that sometimes the more you try to resist something -- like ice cream or a cigarette -- the more you crave it. Relationship researchers say the same principle can influence a person who sees a man or woman who is interested in them.
The more you think about resisting the person, the more tempting he or she becomes. Focus on loving thoughts and the joy of your family, not sexual desire for your spouse -- the goal here is to damp down the sex drive, not wake it up.
Keep Your Relationship Interesting. Scientists speculate that your level of commitment may depend on how much a partner enhances your life and broadens your horizons — a concept that Dr. To measure this quality, couples are asked a series of questions: How much does your partner provide a source of exciting experiences? How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? How much do you see your partner as a way to expand your own capabilities? The Stony Brook researchers conducted experiments using activities that stimulated self-expansion.
Some couples were given mundane tasks, while others took part in a silly exercise in which they were tied together and asked to crawl on mats, pushing a foam cylinder with their heads. The study was rigged so the couples failed the time limit on the first two tries, but just barely made it on the third, resulting in much celebration.
Couples were given relationship tests before and after the experiment. Those who had taken part in the challenging activity posted greater increases in love and relationship satisfaction than those who had not experienced victory together.
The researchers theorize that couples who explore new places and try new things will tap into feelings of self-expansion, lifting their level of commitment. Every couple has disagreements, but science shows that how two people argue has a big effect on both their relationships and their health. Many people try their best to avoid conflict, but relationship researchers say every conflict presents an opportunity to improve a relationship. The key is to learn to fight constructively in a way that leaves you feeling better about your partner.
Marriage researcher John Gottman has built an entire career out of studying how couples interact. He learned that even in a laboratory setting, couples are willing to air their disagreements even when scientists are watching and the cameras are rolling. In one important study, Dr. Gottman and his colleagues observed newly married couples in the midst of an argument. In many ways, this is great news for couples because it gives you a place to focus. The most important moments between you and your partner during a conflict are those first few minutes when the fight is just getting started.
Focus on your behavior during that time, and it likely will change the dynamics of your relationship for the better.
Identify the complaint, not the criticism. Do you think you could find a way to help more on those nights? Think about pronouns. Be aware of body language. No eye-rolling, which is a sign of contempt. Look at your partner when you speak.
No folded arms or crossed legs to show you are open to their feelings and input. Sit or stand at the same level as your partner -- one person should not be looking down or looking up during an argument.
Learn to De-escalate: When the argument starts getting heated, take it upon yourself to calm things down. Here are some phrases that are always useful in de-escalation:. Gottman reminds us that fighting with your partner is not a bad thing. After all his years of studying conflict, Dr. You just need to make sure you get the beginning right so the discussion can be constructive instead of damaging.
A famous study of cardiovascular health conducted in Framingham, Mass. Women said issues involving children, housework and money created the most problems in their relationships. Men said their arguments with their spouse usually focused on sex, money and leisure time. Even though the lists were slightly different, the reality is that men and women really care about the same issues: money, how they spend their time away from work housework or leisure and balancing the demands of family life children and sex.
Studies show that money is consistently the most common reason for conflict in a relationship. Couples with financial problems and debt create have higher levels of stress and are less happy in their relationship. Why does money cause conflict? Fights about money ultimately are not really about finances. A person who overspends on restaurants, travel and fun stuff often wants to live in the moment and seek new adventures and change; a saver hoping to buy a house some day may most value stability, family and community.
Money conflict can be a barometer for the health of your relationship and an indicator that the two of you are out of sync on some of your most fundamental values. David Olson, professor emeritus at the University of Minnesota, studied 21, couples and identified five questions you can ask to find out if you are financially compatible with your partner. Olson found that the happiest couples were those who both agreed with at least four of the statements. He also found that couples who did not see eye to eye on three or more of the statements were more likely to score low on overall marital happiness.
Debt tends to be the biggest culprit in marital conflict. It can be an overwhelming source of worry and stress. As a result, couples who can focus on money problems and reduce their debt may discover that they have also solved most of their marital problems.
Surveys suggest secret spending occurs in one out of three committed relationships. Shopping for clothes, spending money on a hobby and gambling are the three most-cited types of secret spending that causes conflict in a relationship.
The key is to agree on the amount of discretionary money you each have and then stay quiet when your partner buys the newest iPhone just because. Invest in the relationship. When you do have money to spend, spend it on the relationship. Take a trip, go to dinner, see a show. Spending money on new and shared experiences is a good investment in your partnership.
One of the more uncomfortable findings of relationship science is the negative effect children can have on previously happy couples. Despite the popular notion that children bring couples closer, several studies have shown that relationship satisfaction and happiness typically plummet with the arrival of the first baby.
One study from the University of Nebraska College of Nursing looked at marital happiness in men and women. Scores declined starting in pregnancy , and remained lower as the children reached 5 months and 24 months. Other studies show that couples with two children score even lower than couples with one child. While having a child clearly makes parents happy, the financial and time constraints can add stress to a relationship. After the birth of a child, couples have only about one-third the time alone together as they had when they were childless, according to researchers from Ohio State.
Every relationship can be improved just by improving communication. Unfortunately, most people don't learn how to communicate effectively as they grow up, so it can be difficult to have important conversations or stand up for yourself if you don't make a concerted effort to learn the basics of effective communication.
In a relationship, you should approach conflict and disagreement with the perspective that you are a team. Instead of viewing a disagreement as your chance to prove a point or win an argument, try to think of it as a challenge to come up with a mutually-beneficial solution. Don't sit on negative feelings for too long without expressing them to your partner. Otherwise, you could become resentful. If you find yourself angry or sad about the relationship, think about why you're feeling that way and then talk to your partner about it.
Let them know how you feel and what you think could help. Balance your needs and your partner's needs. We are often taught to put other people before our own needs, and being selfless in a relationship can be a great feature.
However, you should not sacrifice your own needs or happiness to satisfy someone else. You'll end up burned out and disappointed. Take time for yourself to recharge when you need to. It's ok to have a night out with just your friends, or take an evening to read by yourself when you want to. Don't be afraid to tell your partner what your needs are. Watch for signs of dysfunction. Relationships of all kinds should make you feel good about yourself and happy that you know the other person.
Sometimes, though, relationships become a burden and can even affect your state of mind. If your relationship is dysfunctional, it may be time to sever ties or seek counseling. Watch for these warning signs in any relationship: [4] X Research source One person has more power or control than the other, and demands that the other person does what he or she says or wants. This can include limiting who the other person can spend time with, how they spend money, or how physically affectionate they are.
One person or both becomes emotionally manipulative and tries to get the other to respond by creating feelings of guilt, pity, or jealousy. One person is a giver and the other person is just a taker. For example, a friend may always expect you to drop your plans for them, get them out of a bind, or be physically affectionate with no commitment. Part 3. Know that relationships mean different things to different people.
As we go through life, we will meet a variety of people and will build complicated, personal relationships with them. There are various types of relationships such as friend, work, romantic, and family relationships.
It is important to remember that relationships are as individual and different as the people who are a part of them. There are different expectations in every relationship. Sometimes, these expectations are made clear by talking about them, but other times they are just unspoken rules that develop as people spend time together.
Learn about types of friendships. Friendships are platonic, meaning there is no sexual interest involved. These relationships fulfill our needs as humans to be around other people who we feel are similar to us and feel valued, secure, and appreciated for who we are.
Some relationships are casual "acquaintances," and include people you might pass in the halls and smile at or say, "Hello. The only expectation you have of your casual acquaintances is politeness. Other relationships are casual friends. You may have met by chance for instance, because you are in the same class and you may interact on a regular basis based on your shared interest or common schedule. You may chat with these people about surface-level topics, but you probably don't know much about them as individuals.
More intimate friends are the people you trust and choose to be with when you have a choice. These are the people that you feel that you can be yourself around, and you don't have to worry about impressing them. Intimate friendships can require a lot of work to maintain, because you owe each other attention and time as part of your friendship.
Best friends are those intimate friends who have proven to be faithful, loyal, and trustworthy; these are often relationships that have stood the test of time. Best friends feel as if they know each other inside out.
Not everybody has or needs best friends, and that's ok too. Understand that good friendships are essential. Friends can range from someone you just hang out with to have fun, to someone you confide in when you're having trouble or ask for advice when you need it. True friends are an important part of life because they help you learn more about yourself, help you make good choices, and help you connect with others.
True friends tell each other the truth and keep each other's best interests in mind. You can know if someone is not really your friend if they lie to please you or to trick you, or if they undermine your efforts or don't care about your successes. Friendships can take a lot of work to maintain. Try to make time every week to call or visit your friends just to stay caught up with their lives and let them know you're thinking about them. Understand that romantic relationships can be complex.
Like friendships, romantic relationships can vary from casual to more intimate, depending on how well you know one another and how committed you are to one another in other words, what expectations you have of each other. Some people enjoy dating casually and spending a lot of time with lots of different people, perhaps even becoming sexually intimate with lots of casual partners.
This has the advantage of allowing you to find out what traits you like in a romantic partner, and it gives you a chance to develop your communication and other relationship skills without the pressure of commitment. To learn the 4 most common relationship problems — and how to fix them — click here.
So communication is good. Which leads us to another counterintuitive finding…. According to the scientists, spouses who complain to each other the most, and complain about the least important things, end up having more lasting relationships. In contrast, couples with high negativity thresholds—they only complain about serious problems—are much more likely to get divorced. In a sense, you can look at complaining and fighting in an intimate relationship as just ways of showing you care.
No relationship is trouble-free. To learn how to win every argument, click here. Infatuation is quick, romantic and easy. He falls in love with her in seconds. He sees her and he just knows. He walks over and starts talking in iambic pentameter. Thinking about soulmates and being obsessed with limerence is very romantic. Her work is filled with all sorts of sad case studies of people who talk about the high and how at a certain point, they realized it was leading them astray.
It was a pure fantasy but it was hard to shake it off. Limerence is chemical fiction. Okay, opposite extreme: what does the research on arranged marriages show? Am I saying you should have an arranged marriage? Chill out. Going into a long-term relationship focused on limerence leads to disappointment. But people in arranged marriages have no such illusions. And so they work. And so it works. But if you do the work, it pays off over the long haul.
To learn the science behind how to be a good kisser, click here. Okay, lots of talk so far about hard work. Is there a way to be more successful in your career and more successful in your relationship?
What does a lot of research say produces success in school and career? Guess what? It works in relationships, too. Do you want devotion? To learn more about grit from leading expert Angela Duckworth, click here. Duckworth demonstrated the importance of grit in loving relationships by collecting grit scores from 6, middle-aged adults. After analyzing the data, and controlling for the influence of other personality traits and demographic factors, she found that gritty men were 17 percent more likely to stay married.
Relationships are challenging over the long term. So you want someone who has stick-to-itiveness. When I talked to Duckworth about it, her answer was very straightforward. Marriage has plenty of trying situations. It lasts because we can make it last, because we keep putting in the work.
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